But not anymore. Not after what just fuckin’ happened in Colorado.
I’ll get my apology for all the foul language out of the way right now because this post will be packed to the brim. I’m sorry in advance.
Okay. Lemme ask you this. No wait, lemme ask The Baseball Gods this: What the daggum hell did everyone associated with the Reds do to deserve THIS?
This season has been absolute, pure, complete and fuckin’ total horse shit. Check this list of players who’ve suffered significant injuries:
Mat Latos (elbow, knee)
Aroldis Chapman (smashed in face with line drive)
Jonathan Broxton (recovering from surgery)
Tony Cingrani (dead shoulder)
Homer Bailey (elbow…if it’s Tommy John I will punch 18 car windows out)
Sean Marshall (the usual weak ass bullshit)
Joey Votto (who cares anymore)
Brandon Phillips (thumb surgery)
Jay Bruce (knee surgery)
Devin Mesoraco (hamstring)
Skip Schumacher (separated shoulder)
And now, All-Star third baseman Todd Frazier is out with a tweaked back.
So, basically, out of your Top 16 players (8 positions players, 5-man starting rotation and 3 late-inning relievers), fuckin’ only FIVE out of those 16 have been “healthy.” And out of those five, all three position players (Frazier, Billy Hamilton and Zack Cozart) have missed games with injuries.
Are you shitting directly into my mouth with this? Has a team ever basically had every motherfuckin’ significant player get hurt in the same horseshit season before? Somebody look that up. That’s your cue, ESPN1530’s Lance McAlister. Get me the figures on that, will ya buddy?
Okay, so that takes care of the rash of god damn injuries. Now on to the birdshit-in-your-hair stat of the year: Out of the Reds’ 62 losses, 29 of them have been by ONE FUCKING RUN. Guess how many walk-off wins this team has all season? FOUR. That’s it.
Of course, when half your lineup is out ALL OF THE TIME, you’re gonna have trouble scoring runs, especially late in games (when you’re down by ONE RUN). But still, man: Give me a fuggin’ break, will ya? Give us all a break! Twenty-nine games, man. You were ONE RUN short in 29 games. God. I actually started to go through all of the one-run losses the other day, gathering all sorts of stats in a spreadsheet, to see if there was any statistical explanation…and then I stopped doing that because:
1) It was more frustrating than a 2-monthlong sinus infection.
2) Who the fuck cares?
Which brings us to about 45 minutes ago. The 29th one-run loss of this ridiculously ridiculous season of baseball here in Cincinnati, Ohio. The Reds took a 9-5 lead into the 9th inning at Coors Field in Denver. Bryan Price brought his hammer in: Aroldis Chapman (1.88 ERA, 17.4 K/9 innings). 5-6-7 were due up in the Rockies’ batting order. What does Chapman do? Why, he walks the first fuckin’ four batters he faces, naturally. Why wouldn’t he do that, right?
So Price yanks Chapman and replaces “The Cuban Missile” with regular normal everyman right-handed right-hander-man J.J. Hoover and his 1-8 record. Cool. That’s fun. It’s 9-6 and the bases are loaded. Oh, and there are no outs. Go get ‘em, J.J.!
So Hoover gives up a sacrifice fly and then gets the second out on a line drive (luckily) right at right-fielder Jay Bruce. Okay. We breathe a little bit easier. Two outs, Reds still up 9-7, Rockies have runners on first and second. Hmm, we think: Who’s up next? …
Oh fuck. Oh no. It’s FORMER RED Drew Stubbs. The same Drew Stubbs fans ran out of town two years ago (because he struck out 8900 times every season). Lemme guess, Baseball Gods (Assholes), lemme fuckin’ guess! This scrub is gonna end it right here! Wouldn’t that be sooooo satisfying for you, Gods (Assholes)?
(Cut to: Me frantically calling Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas to get a $6 million dollar bet down on Stubbs hitting a walk-off 3-run H.R.)
Hoover starts Stubbs off with (duh) a breaking ball away. Stubbs lays off. So Hoover and Mesoraco brilliantly think, “This guy cannot hit a curveball. We’ll just get one over for a strike and then throw some shitty ones in the dirt, he’ll whiff idiotically, and then we’ll win the game!” So Hoover spins one right down the epicenter of the fucking strike zone, Stubbs squares it up with a bunch of backspin and it’s (obviously) outta here. Walk-off home run, DREW STUBBS.
Reds lose 10 to 9. Oh, the humanity.
I tried to stay positive. I really, really, REALLY did. You know I did. Well, tonight, I’m anything but positive. I’m done.
Now the Reds have to play ANOTHER game tonight and then go to ST. LOUIS for three. And I ain’t watchin’ a single pitch of any of ‘em.
Good night and good riddance.